Pokestuck
by azzleflux
Summary: Dave Strider, along with his trusty Cyndaquil, goes on a Pokemon adventure of his own.
1. Chapter 1

The day was finally here. Dave Strider stood tall on his stoop, ready and eager to begin his Pokemon journey.

TG: what

He took a first, nervous step towards the brobdignagian

TG: brobdignagian?

Pokelab, headed by the prestigious Professor Willow.

TG: are you serious

TG: professor willow is really all you could come up with

TG: what the hell is going on?

[Dave, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to make an AU here.]

TG: aw what no

TG: hell no

TG: hell fucking no

Timidly, he stepped through the doors and approached the triple balled table. The sunglassioed hero flinched as the doors closed behind him. Blushing furiously, he

TG: okay im stopping you right here.

TG: smh

TG: first of all what the fuck

TG: second of all why am i so kawaii?

TG: lastly fuck you

TG: if I have to be in this shitty au

TG: then im going to narrate it myself

Wait, what?

TG: you heard me fucker.

TG: starting…now.

No, you can't just do ahahaha, look at me now bitch. Okay, so FUCK NO Hey, hey, chill bro, I promise I'll write it off of your notes for the most part. It'll be fine and probably better thaNO IT HAS TO BE DESU OH FUCK NO. Okay, you are now completely locked out, Mr. Fanfic-er. Starting this shit over now.

Sup. My name's Dave Strider. I apparently live in…Rainbowtown. Wow. I'm so glad I took this trainwreck over before it got derailed and spilled its hot yaoi contents all over the pure, innocent people. Anyways, today is my 13th birthday. Whoopdefuckingdo for me. It looks like today is also when I leave to begin my Pokemon journey.

As I step outside, the sun beats down on me. Good thing I'm from Texas THIS TOWN, WHERE I LIVED FOR ALL OF MY LIFE. Fuck man, fine. I've lived in Rainbowtown all of my life. I'm like the founder of the place. If you ask anyone in this town about anything, they'll be all like, "Oh, did you mean to talk to the resident life liver, because that would be Dave Fucking Strider." I'm basically the mayor of this bitch. I'm like, the essence of Rainbow. I am 100% pure fucking Rainbow extract. I suppose that's one way of coming out. Wow man fuck you. Okay, whatever, back to the story. So I'm walking to the lab, hands in my pockets and chill on my everything. As I stride cooly towards the building, I feel the impact roughly equal to two teenage kids knocking into me (shut up, I hate metaphors anyways.) Of course it was my two only friends in the town. Now, to be fair, they were the only other adolescents anywhere fucking near here, so I think 100% friendship rate really isn't that shitty. It was actually kind of nice, they had their birthday a while ago (fucking twins…) but just decided to wait a while before starting their journey so we could all begin at the same time.

We all strode through the automatic doors, greeted by the lab assistants. The thought just occurred to me; that was literally the only possible job in this fucking town. Wow. There's not even a place to study or go to school. Like, what the hell do we even do all the time? Just…dream? Sit around and dick around on the internet? This is colossally ridiculous. Anyways.

We approached Professor Willow, waiting for us next to the table holding the three Pokeballs.

"Good morning, all of you. Now, blah blah blah whatever, you know all this shit anyways, which one of you wants to choose first?" casually said Willow.

We all looked at each other for a second or two. No one wanted to be the cumguzzling dickwad that just volunteered to choose first. Or at least it sure as hell wouldn't be me. I hid my knowing smile perfectly behind my masterfully crafted neutral expression. I knew how to play this. Sibling rivalry would take effect any second now. Aaany second…

"Hey Dave!" John suddenly exclaimed. "Me and Jade already have a vague idea of which ones we want. Why don't you go first?"

Godammit Egbert. I glared at him furiously through my impenetrably dark shades. If I said no, I'd have to come up with a reason why, and the reason why is I want to get the one stronger than the one he gets. I can't can say that, I'd be such a dick. Plus, dammit, Jade's there, and baby Jesus knows if there's any single person I have to actually act my chillest, illest self around, it's her.

"Eh. Sure." I responded cooly. I walked over to the table. Everything was silent, given that this was the most entertaining thing that would happen for a while in this town. I could tell everyone was staring at me, and it wasn't just because of my tight ass this time. I stood in front of the table for a moment or two. I looked at Willow expectantly.

"Hey prof," I said, motioning towards the Pokeballs with my head. "Are you going to tell us what the hell's in these things, or is this just like, a lotto?"

The professor just looked at me for a second blankly before snapping to attention. Wow, bitch didn't even have the courtesy to pay attention. Rude.

"Yes, we have choices from the Johto region of Godknowswhere. There are Sissy Leaf Horse, Flaming Porcuprick, and that Fucker that Bites Fucking Everything."

We all looked at her, the way a crowd does in an anime when a main character does something embarrassing. Not that I would know what that looks like.

"Umm…Ms. Willow? I don't think those are their names…" mumbled Jade after a while.

Willow took out some sort of 4kids friendly cigarette alternative and put it in her mouth but didn't smoke it because it totally wasn't a cigarette. Maybe a lollipop.

"Whatever. Do you want them or not?"

I shrugged. We all of course knew exactly which Pokemon she meant. I reached across the table and picked up the one holding Cyndaquil. Fire was always the coolest. Totes most def.

"Okay, next." Willow said, detachedly.

John nearly pissed his pants from obvious excitement.

"TOTODILE, I CALL DIBS ON TOTODILE!" he shouted, snatching the Pokeball off of the table.

THAT.

UNCOOL.

ASSHAT.

"Egbert. Did you just pick the water type? The one who's totally strong to mine, specifically? The one if, say, we happen to battle later, has a very strong chance of whooping my Pokemon's ass?" I asked, slightly irked.

John shrugged.

"I knew Jade would've wanted the Chikorita, so I left that one for her!"

BULL.

SHIT.

"Yeah, whatever. Here you go, Jade." I tossed the remaining Pokeball to Jade.

"Cool! Thanks Dave!"

I gave her a subtle nod of recognition.

"Alright. Well, let's start this shit then." I said, pivoting towards the door like it was fucking sole purpose and striding out. I could heard John and Jade following behind me. We took one final look at each other, nodded, and started towards the tall grass.

[Former author's note: Hey Dave, you're doing surprisingly well, just maybe include less of your own thoughts in the narration!]

[Narrator's note: Shut the fuck up, asshat.]


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

As we entered the tall grass, we awkwardly stood there, unsure of how to handle this. Well, the Prospits were being awkward, I personally was pretty chill about it all.

Jade broke the silence. "So, um…do we just go all together, or…?"

"I don't think that's how it works…right?" John responded, contemplative. "We're supposed to leave all at different times, right? Let's do that. What order should we leave in?"

A hand suddenly appeared on my shoulder. Oh god. Oh, this was fucking great. God.

"Hey dad," I muttered, the annoyance plainly visible in my even tone to those skilled in the ways of me. "What's up?"  
The caution tape he insisted on wearing at all times crunched as he shifted to become more central in the conversation. I moved subtly away from him. I can't exaggerate how fucking uncool he is. Like, he's worse than the standard grown-up, trying to keep jive with the hip lingo all the kids are gabbing with. He's like the guy who smokes in an igloo (except he totally wouldn't do that because that would probably break some rule or something). I'd be like, "'sup," and he'd actually tell me what he's doing precisely. Like, what the fuck. If we were foods, I'd be the chilliest ice cream ever, made at fucking 0̊K, and he'd be a fucking sun that some shitty sun-eater would eat and burn his tongue on. He's that uncool.

"Son," he said in his obviously-trying-unsuccessfully-to-sound-powerful voice. "Let them go first. It's what's right."

That didn't make sense because, I mean, weren't we all supposed to be equal? But whatever. I stepped back and let John and Jade decide who would go first between them. I guess it would be a while, since either way I would be the last to go. I guess I'll explore *sigh* Rainbowtown some more.

I strolled leisurely up to their house, because why the fuck not. The sign post adjacent to their house read, "PROSPIT RESIDENCE," in all caps. I never understood why we even need these things. Like, literally the only people living in this town are me, my dad, and the Prospits. And then I guess the lab workers just sleep on their equipment or whatever. Of course, we have our sign up, reading "STRIDER RESIDENCE" because, well, my dad's a stickler for rules, and I (admittedly) like it because it ironically breaks societal norms. Anyways, I opened the door like it was the most unlocked POS every and waltzed on in. The family knew me well enough. Basically by default, all of our parents were in positions of power in the town. It was kind of like playing house, once you think about it. Heh. Father Prospit was the Mayor of the town (he even made his own little sash), Mother Prospit was the mailwoman (I've no idea why on God's green Earth, out of any jobs you could have, you'd choose postage) (Like, that'd normally be the last thing that comes to mind, right?) ("Hey! You could have any job in the world! You could be an astronaut, a badass, a motherf-" "I WANT TO HANDLE PEOPLE'S CORRESPONDANCES." Weird.) and my dad was the police force. Anyways, it was kind of a boring town.

Mr. Prospit greeted me joyously, although refusing to rise up and greet me personally due to his current preoccupation with his miniRainbowtown made out of cans. Mrs. Prospit appeared to just be flailing wildly amongst a letter pile.

I suddenly remembered why I didn't usually visit John and Jade at their house.

I left like I came (Heh.), deciding that they almost definitely had enough time now. Two minutes was far too much time to spend on debate.

Wow. Okay, so I was mostly kidding, but apparently they came to a consensus of some sort, given that there was no one back at the Route 1 entrance. Well. I guess it's my turn now?

I stepped into the tall grass, ready for some wild Pokemon. Hell yes. I was going to kick some cute, fluffy ass.

…

Well, I would if any decided to show up. Damn, this grass is really tall. Like, I physically cannot see below my waist because of this shitty landscaping. What kind of environment is that anyways? A shitty one, I'll tell you that.

…

Okay, seriously, it's been like, what, five minutes and nothing's happened. Like what the actual fuck. Where are all the Pokemon?

"Okay, fuck this waiting," I muttered to myself, finally ballsing up enough to take the next step. I mean, when people tell you about how you "run into Pokemon while walking in tall grass," I guess they mean it literally.

A few steps further into the tall grass, I accidentally stepped on something. That something was a Pokemon. That was apparently how wild encounters happened. God fucking dammit, that doesn't even make sense. Anyways, that Pidgey was mad as all hell.

I called out my Cyndaquil. Hm. Wow. That's a pretty boring name. I should rename it, something cool. Something that makes all of my opponents think, _Oh shit, that's a badass name, I wish I had thought of it._ Yeah. I think I'll nickname it. It shall be called…Illness. Like sick fires. Only the coolest of the most gloriously rad will understand it.

Both Pokemon looked at me expectantly.

Um…

What the hell do I do? Do I command it? What would happen if I walked away right now? I guess I'm supposed to just yell at it now.

"Go, Illness. That's you, Cyndaquil, from now on."

Immidiately, the foes took hostile stances, ready to pounce. The Pidgey darted forward, beak first. Shit.

"Use Tackle." My little motherfucker did so, knocking that punkass bird way out there. Heh. This was fun.

"Tackle again."

"Tackle again." The Pidgey was down for the count before a minute had even passed. Wow. Battles are really boring when your Pokemon only knows like, three moves, and one of them is literally just the thing staring at its opponent semi-menacingly. Anyways, time to move on.

I looked at the Pokeball in my hand, and down to Illness. Illness looked up at me patiently. Or some shit. I don't know, I can't even see the thing's eyes. I'm just guessing.

You know what? Only fucking losers keep their starter Pokemon in their balls. Illness is a beast that needs to be shown off.

"Hey. Want to just follow me around instead of staying crammed up in that Pokeball?"

Illness made a…happy noise? I think? It then jumped on my back. Okay. That was cool too. Ladies love dudes in touch with nature or some shit like that.

We headed into the first town we came to. "HoNkToWn," the sign read. Okay, that is possibly the worst name for a town, but whatever. I can't really talk, I come from Rainbowtown. I was about to head in, but then I noticed something. Some really creepy guy in face paint was just standing behind a tree, staring at me. I would say he was trying to be inconspicuous, but I couldn't really tell because 1) the tree was a sapling, and 2) he had this horn in his hand that he wouldn't stop fucking honking. I stared at him for a minute. Was I…supposed to talk to him? I shrugged. Might as well, I guess.

I strode over to him. "'Sup. The name's Dave Strider."

"Heh, that's motherfucking sick," he replied, eyes half open and bloodshot.

…

Um…

I guess that's all he's going to say without prompt?

"So who are you?" I inquired after a while of uncomfortable horn honks.

"I'm Gamzee Makara motherfucker," he answered. "I'm the motherfucker who runs this town."

"You…do?" I looked around. The town _seemed _to be in stable condition, at least. "Are you sure about that?"

"Totally. I run the Gym and everything. They even let me be mayor. I guess you could say," he paused, giggling and honking. "It's a motherfucking miracle I'm given so much power."

"Wait, you're the Gym leader? So can I battle you now and get my badge?"

He laughed, accidentally off-balancing himself and falling over. By this point, I'm fairly certain he's high off of something.

"You look like you just started your journey, brother. I doubt that little motherfucker on your back has even learned Ember yet. Do you really want to fight a Gym leader right now?"

Oh. Right. That.

"I guess I'll wait. That seems like a pain, though, having to come back after training a while. I mean, that's a hell of a lot of walking just to have to back track."  
"You can learn to soar later, brother. If you really want, I can battle you right now, but you won't get a badge. However, I will share some secrets with you. The secrets of life."

I mean, it sounded good. I doubted he could actually help me at all, given that he seemed to be stoned off of his ass. I mean, really, how good of a battler could he really be?

"Sure. Let's go."

"Alright motherfucker. Go Slackoth!"

The little creature appeared on the ground. Okay then.

"Go, Illness." The Cyndaquil leapt off of my back and into the fray. "Use Tackle!" He started charging towards the Pokemon.

"Slackoth, use Scratch!" The Pokemon rolled over to one side, making Illness run past it while scratching the side of its face.

I frowned. Dammit. So he actually did know what to do. Okay, let's try this again.

"Tackle." The sickest beast to ever exist once again ran at the sloth.

…

Well, it hit. Neither Gamzee nor his Pokemon did anything to try and stop it. That seemed…weird.

"Yo, clown bro, why'd you just let him Ta-"

"Sometimes, you just gotta motherfucking chill and let life happen, brother." he cut me off.

That was not a reasonable explanation. I stared at him until he told me more.

"Plus, this motherfucker right here can only attack every other turn. It's the chillest of all chill Pokemon. It's so motherfucking chill, I should just name it Chillest."

Oh no. Oh hell no. OH HELL FUCKING NO, HE DID NOT JUST BASICALLY STEAL MY DOPE NAME. I'M SO GOING TO CHALLENGE HIM TO A RAP BATTLE LATER.

"Nah, man. Slackoth's a damn cool name." I said, masking my anger. "Anyways, Illness, use Tackle."

"Slackoth, Yawn." It managed to get out its move before mine connected. Didn't matter, that caused the thing to faint anyways. Sweet. Suddenly, Illness started spewing fire from its mouth. Huh. Must've just learned Ember. Cool.

"Alright, I beat you," I directed at the clown as my Pokemon ran back towards me. "Now tell me."

He staggered over, remembering halfway to put his Pokemon back in its Pokeball. He got uncomfortably close to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I could smell the…whatever it was on his breath.

"I'm going to unleash on you my whole motherfucking shitty pile of secrets, brother. There are no real winners in life, so don't stress yourself out over anything. Learn to motherfucking chiiill. Life is full of miracles if you just take the time to appreciate them. And one day, the mirthful messiahs are going to come and impose motherfucking judgement on everyone."

What.

How do I even respond to that?

"Is that all?" I asked.

He nodded slowly, his ratty, tangled hair brushing over my face like a plush rump being rubbed all over me. Again. God. Some of it got in my mouth. This is fucking disgusting. Did this guy even bathe? I guess he's afraid of messing up his makeup. There's probably been only one day in his life where he was sober enough to actually apply it neatly. In any case, it tasted like how the plush rump felt. Heh. Plush rump felt. Puns.

"That's all you need." He said.

Well that was unsatisfying.

"Can't I at least get a prize or some shit?"

"The real prize is right here, motherfucker," he responded sagely, putting his hand over my heart.

"…in my right lung?" He nodded.

"…Well, this has been nice, but I have to go now."

"Hold up. Here, have these." He handed me like, 20 Great Balls and a veritable armful of Potions. "You'll need these. No, shh, don't say anything."

Okay, this is actually pretty useful. I could get used to this guy. Too bad I'll definitely never see him again on my adventure until I come back to do the real Gym battle. Nope. Almost certainly will I never see him again until then. Almost a zero percent chance, I'm sure. If the probability was a Pokemon, it would be a Digimon. That's how unprobable it is.

"One last thing. Did you happen to see two kids pass by here, about my age, black hair?"

"You bet, motherfucker. The boy just threw a waterballoon at me and ran away giggling. He seemed to know what he was doing. The chick was too busy chasing after a Zigzagoon to notice me. But it's all motherfucking cool, brother. They'll find miracles in their own ways."

I nodded. Of course. Typical John and Jade behavior. Heh. I don't even miss them. Whatever. They're doing well on their own. I'll met new people anyways.

"Thanks, man. Well, I'll be off now. See you when I come back."

"Wait." Okay, this is getting annoying. "Take this, we'll keep in touch." He handed me this really weird device. I tried pressing buttons, but all they did was make weird colors.

"Cool. Thanks. Later for real now."

I turned, walking towards the Pokecenter. Okay, this journey might be fun after all.


End file.
